My Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMAD) History
My husband and I spent 7 years dealing with infertility. We spent a long time trying to conceive on our own, then we sought medical assistance. After 4 failed IUIs (Intrauterine insemination), a failed fresh embryo transfer, and a successful embryo transfer, our miracle baby girl was born in May 2019.
I wanted a big family
Desperately wanting a big family, as soon as we were able to start trying to conceive again (around 6 months postpartum), we were off to the races. I really thought now that my body knew what to do, it would do it.
When we reached the postpartum milestone of one year, we returned to IVF. We had two embryos in the freezer from our first egg retrieval, and we'd imagined a life with them, with our daughter having two brothers, with the kids all being in a similar age bracket.
Miscarriage, depression, and anxiety
Our next embryo transfer was in September 2020, and I had an early miscarriage afterwards.
I was so disappointed and upset. During this long season, I struggled with depression and anxiety, as well as the fear that we'd never bring home a living child.
More heartbreak with IVF
We launched into another transfer cycle once I got my period, but I was diagnosed with inflammation of the uterine tissue, or endometritis. I had to have a hysteroscopy under anesthesia in order to remove the affected tissue and give an embryo a better chance of implanting.
We transferred our last embryo at the beginning of February 2021, and again, I suffered an early miscarriage. My doctor agreed to do a mock cycle in order to complete more testing (ERA, Alice and Emma for those familiar with IVF) and then we moved to another egg retrieval.
Processing postpartum depression and grief
I was so much in the "go, go, go" mentality that I never really stopped to process or grieve all my body and my heart had been through, and this came back to me tenfold the following summer.
That retrieval ended up with only 2 genetically normal embryos – a boy and a girl, and since we'd had recurrent pregnancy loss, our doctor allowed us to transfer both frozen embryos at once. The transfer was the first week of June, and when we found out we were pregnant we were over the moon. Our first ultrasound showed two babies implanted and we felt so grateful.
Post-traumatic response
Out next ultrasound only showed one baby – we experienced something called vanishing twin syndrome, and that felt really hard and emotional for me. I was carrying one living baby while morning the baby we lost.
In August, 2021, I went into extremely premature labor and delivered our soon and the placenta where our daughter had been growing at home alone on our bathroom floor in the middle of the night. In the weeks and months following, I thought I was just dealing with anxiety and depression, but when I began working with a trauma-informed counselor, I learned that what I was actually experiencing was shock, and a post-traumatic response.
The loss hurts so deeply
Again, for what felt like the umpteenth time, I went back to IVF, completing 2 back-to-back egg retrievals. The clinic that I had switched to after losing the twins was painful to work with. They were unkind, unprofessional and violated my rights, privacy, and body several times. It was agonizing, hurtful, anxiety-provoking, and ultimately didn't feel like a safe space.
It took me a lot of time and work to get through that, and somewhere along the way my husband and I sort of unofficially decided to close the door on trying to conceive again. We now had a bank of embryos in the freezer, but surrogacy was too expensive for us and so we started moving forward as a one-child family.
Postpartum mood and anxiety disorders (PMAD) support
As I'm sure you can understand, this has come with an entirely new and different type of depression and grief.
I'm grateful to have a trauma and pregnancy loss therapist and psychiatrist to support my mental health, but I also know i'll never be the same again after all I've been through.