Depression and Infertility

I recently shared how I managed my depression while trying to conceive.

About 10 months into that journey, I decided to seek help (and ask questions) from my OB. While my tests came back mostly normal, my husband's sperm analysis did not. We were immediately told that we would not be able to get pregnant without technological intervention.

Infertility felt like my fault

My depression folded. I curled up into a ball right there in the doctor's office, knees to chest, and began crying. The doctor tried to convince me that there were plenty of options, and that this was not a hopeless mission, but she missed the point.

My depression was telling me that there was something wrong with my body. That it was my fault. That had I done something differently, we wouldn't be sitting in this office having this conversation.

Depression and disappointment

Infertility took a lot out of me physically and mentally. We started with the traditional intrauterine inception (IUI) which wasn’t that invasive, but it destroyed me emotionally when it failed 4 times in a row.

Each time I was sure that this was going to be our baby, that this was the help we needed to conceive, and each time, when I got a negative pregnancy test followed by my period, I was beyond crushed.

Would it ever get better?

I would retreat to my "depression position" – curled up in bed, under my heated blanket, with the blinds closed and the door closed, basically in the dark, and I'd sob. I'd wonder if we'd ever get pregnant. I wondered if I wasn't doing enough to make my body healthy and strong. I even wondered if my antidepressants were preventing me from getting pregnant, even though I knew better.

Rounds of IUI and IVF: my depression spiraled

After our 4th IUI we moved to IVF. If you're reading this, you know this is much more invasive, time consuming, financially consuming, and full of injections, scans, and appointments. I tried to ready my brain and steady my emotions, but it was really really hard.

Out first egg retrieval went fairly well. We retrieved 18 eggs and ended up with 4 embryos on day 5. We did a fresh transfer, meaning we transferred an embryo that hadn't been genetically tested, and it failed. We lost our first "baby." (I know that everyone refers to and thinks about embryos differently, and I want to be open to whatever language you use while also being true to my own experience.)

Honestly, my mental health spiraled. I was full of negative thoughts, wondering how this had failed, wondering about trying again, wondering again if it was my fault.

Carrying depression into pregnancy and postpartum

When we went into our second round of IVF I was full of worries. My head couldn't absorb the positive things that everyone was trying to tell me about IVF and our journey. I just felt... Depressed.

This was one of the hardest parts for me. Trying to conceive, however you do it, is supposed to be full of joy and hope and excitement. I didn't get any of that. I just kept begging my mind and my body to make this work.

And we were lucky. Our second transfer took, in September 2018, and for 35 weeks and 5 days I carried our miracle baby. Except... I also carried my depression.