Depression While Undergoing Failed IVF

After a year of trying to conceive a second child, we returned to IVF. Due to COVID delays (IVF was not an essential procedure, and therefore was not immediately available upon the return of normalcy), we began our IVF journey toward baby number 2 in August 2020, when our daughter was 15 months old.

She wasn't talking yet, and she was just learning to walk, so it wasn't like we could explain to her what was happening. But mommy was disappearing in the morning and at night for injections and doctors appointments, and she clearly noticed things were different.

I felt completely defeated

The whole time I went though this season, I felt sad. I felt defeated, like this was something my body should've already done. I wanted a sibling for my daughter so badly. We transferred our first son in September 2020, 2 years to the day after we'd transferred our living daughter, and it felt like good luck. We even created our family announcement we'd send after we saw our son's heartbeat.

On day 8 after our transfer, I got up early in the morning full of anxiety and heaviness and took a pregnancy test. It was negative. How could this be? The embryo was tested, just like our daughter, and I was sure that it was going to be a positive test. I was crushed.

Depression after failed IVF

My depression raged. I cried for days. I couldn't hold or parent our toddler because she reminded me of all our son missed out on. I felt angry and hostile. I was mad at the fertility clinic, at the embryologist, and at my body all at once. How was this possible?

IVF complications

We jumped into another IVF cycle where a test came back showing I had inflamed tissue in my uterus. Our cycle was canceled (devastation) and I went through 2 rounds of treatment for the inflammation, neither of which worked.

I ended up having to have surgery under anesthesia to scrape out the inflamed tissue – all while I was raging against the world, sad as all heck, and trying to grapple with our daughter, who was now 18 months old and becoming more and more aware of mommy's moods.

Sadness and depression deepened

In January 2021, we finally transferred our last frozen embryo, another son, and I'll save you the story by ending with the fact that we lost him too. This time, my sadness made me hold my daughter tighter, wondering if we'd ever be able to give her a sibling.

I think she could tell how sad I was, she'd hug me tight and not let go. I felt terrible for exposing her to that, and grateful for the tiny empath I was raising.

Staying hopeful can be hard

The following month, I went through a series of testing, followed by another egg retrieval, and then the transfer of 2 genetically normal embryos in June 2021, a month after our daughter turned 2 years old. I'd started saying things to her like, "Do you want a brother or a sister?" But I knew they didn’t mean much to her yet.

I was saying them for me. Believing that if I brought these words to life, maybe the depression would feel lighter and I would be more able to function in every day life.

If you're going through the pain of failed IVF, know that you're not alone. And don't be afraid to ask for help.