Postpartum Depression After a Miscarriage and Infant Loss

This is probably the hardest post I'll write.

But I think it's critical to write, because there wasn't anything I could find on the topic when I initially looked, 2 years ago.

My depression returned during IVF

In June 2021, I got pregnant via in vitro fertilization (IVF) with twins. We couldn't have been more excited. This was going to complete our family. From genetic testing, we knew they were boy/girl twins, and that both embryos were genetically "normal," meaning we hoped they had a good chance of growing and thriving.

My postpartum depression began to poke its ugly head again after trying for 2 years to have another child, coupled with 2 failed IVF cycles using embryos that had been frozen for 2 years, who to us were boys we'd already dreamed about our lives with.

A difficult pregnancy

This pregnancy with the twins was different than with our daughter, 2.5 years earlier. From low beta numbers to early spotting, it was fraught with worry. This time, I was right to be so.

Our daughter died in utero around 8 weeks gestation, after we'd heard her heartbeat. We were crushed. How do you mourn one baby while celebrating another? I really struggled with this – but it turns out, I didn't have that long to be standing in this situation.

We graduated from our fertility clinic at 9.5 weeks gestation and we were so hopeful for our growing son. His heartbeat and measurements were on par with his gestational age, and we tried to exhale.

Miscarriages and postpartum depression

Two weeks later, our lives came crashing down. Without providing too many details, I was originally told I miscarried our daughter while pregnant with our son, but I later learned what actually happened was that I delivered both babies at home, alone on my bathroom floor at exactly 12 weeks gestation.

Nobody prepares you (or your depression) for this.

Nobody tells you that after your baby dies, you still have a postpartum body. Your milk still comes in. You still have postpartum hair loss. You still have to physically heal from delivery. Yes – much like if I'd have a living baby, I had to go through all the steps and stages of a new mother. Except my arms were empty. All I could do was weep. And I never wanted to get out of bed.

Finding help after losing a child

I think this next part can be relatable to any birthing person who has had a miscarriage, a neonatal loss, or an infant loss – the grief is insurmountable. And if you already live with depression, it's painful in every way possible. If you don't already live with depression, it feels almost inevitable that you'll develop postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postpartum obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), postpartum post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex-PTSD – grouped together to be referred to as perinatal mood and anxiety disorder (PMAD).

And if this is you, as this was me, it's critical to find 2 people to hold your hand.

1. A therapist who specializes in PMAD (you can find one at www.postpartum.net)
2. A psychiatrist who specializes in PMAD (you can also use www.postpartum.net as a starting place)

Without these 2 individuals in my life, I don't know that I would've made it through my trauma of losing the twins.

Find postpartum depression connections

One note – sharing my story has been incredibly helpful for me. Please, I encourage you to connect online with other women who've experienced similar things, and to share your experience, if and when you're ready.