Communicating With Your Partner About Postpartum Depression

In my experience, postpartum depression can be an isolating and overwhelming experience. It often left me feeling like a shadow of myself, unable to fully articulate the storm of emotions swirling inside.

The intensity of postpartum depression

I've been there – trying to juggle the intensity of these feelings while simultaneously showing up as a new mom and a partner. One of the hardest, yet most important things I learned during this time was how to open up to my husband about what I was going through.

If you're navigating this journey too, I want to share a few things that helped me.

Communicating with your partner is important

When you're in the thick of postpartum depression, talking about it may feel like the last thing you want to do. For me, it was hard to admit that I wasn't okay, even to the person I trusted most. But I realized that keeping my partner in the dark only created more distance between us, and left me alone to navigate the crippling symptoms of depression while transitioning into becoming a new mother.

By letting him into my experience, I wasn't just sharing my struggles – I was also asking for him to support me. It made a huge difference to finally feel like I had help in carrying the emotional weight that was pushing me down. .

Choosing the right time to talk

I learned that this isn't just a topic that I could bring up out of the blue, especially when one or both of us were exhausted, overtired, delirious, frustrated, or dealing with any other external emotions. We clearly couldn't have this talk over the sound of my daughter crying, or while one of us was trying to shove something that could resemble a meal into their mouths.

One night, when our doula arrived, I asked my husband if we could have 20 minutes to talk uninterrupted. We went to his office, rather than our bedroom. I was very afraid one or both of us would immediately nod off and this critical conversation would never happen.

And finally, I did my best to open the conversation using "I" statements: "I value you," "I see how much you're doing for the baby and I," "Unfortunately, I need to ask you for more help." I felt like this initiated dialogue rather than my feeling like I was just talking at my husband.

Language is everything

One of the hardest parts of sharing my experience was finding the right words to describe what I'd been feeling since shortly after delivering our daughter. I found it helpful to write down some bullet points incase the conversation went awry, or my emotions got the best of me, or my sleep deprivation prevented me from remembering how and what I wanted to share.

I am extremely lucky that prior to us even meeting, my husband has always been a big advocate and proponent for mental healthcare awareness, and we'd actually discussed the potential of my experiencing postpartum depression during my pregnancy, given my predisposition to already living with depression.

I think the hardest part for me was asking him for more help, especially when it came to things that I felt like I should've been able to do alone.

Be clear about what you need

In the aftermath of our conversation, I realized that asking for support was too vague – that I needed to communicate exactly what I needed him to do differently to help me get through this.

Making this list included things like taking over the nighttime feeding so I could pump and go right back to sleep, asking me more often how I was feeling and what felt most overwhelming, saying no to having guests and visitors for a short while while I got my feet back under me, and most importantly, making me feel safe through words and physical actions like hugs when I feel vulnerable and raw. These small actions made a big difference during that season of our life, and I know that I couldn't have gotten to the other side of PPD without the support of my husband.

We need the support of our partners

If you find yourself navigating postpartum depression, the best advice I can give you is that you don't have to go through it alone. Opening up to your partner might feel vulnerable and scary, but they also are typically the ones who have the best insight on helping you to navigate what you're experiencing.

If your partner doesn't have the capacity or understanding that you need, I'd suggest finding someone else close to confide in – a parent or in-law, an adult sibling who is also already a parent, a support group, other new moms, a therapist, etc.

I was lucky in that my husband not only learned quickly how to show up for me in my time of need, but it strengthened our relationship in ways I didn't expect, and it reminded me that it's okay to need to lean on the people who love you.