The Fall is Easier Than the Rise

Despite having my postpartum depression mostly under control, I still have my moments and days I struggle. Sometimes the struggle is moderate. Other times the struggle is hard. One event, one wrong word, or hell, just waking up wrong can sometimes start a bad brain day for me.

Generally, I'm not actively aware of the downward spiral until after I've reached the point of a breakdown, where I'm sobbing and hiding in my room away from all the people and children in my house.

The breakdown: emotional vs. rational brain

Often when I have bad brain days my brain will go to war with itself. I'll become upset about something and then I'll become even more upset about being upset in the first place. It feels like both the emotional brain and the rational brain are reacting and responding simultaneously.

Commonly, this will send me further down the spiral because my brain will just spin and spin on whatever it is that triggered the bad brain day. At this point, it's hard to focus on anything else and the PPD will just pick and pick and pick at me over whatever it was that initially upset me, and the cycle will just keep going.

Hitting emotional bottom

I usually find myself either in my bedroom or my shower trying to hide so that I can sob it all out. I mean, ugly crying, like snot dripping, tears pouring, and red-faced crying. At this point, I've reached the bottom of the downward spiral and I'm feeling at my worst.

Once the cry is over and I've managed to get some deep breaths in I can get the emotional brain to shut up long enough for my rational brain to take back over and I can get on with my day.

Momming when it's hard

As mothers, it's hard for us when this sort of thing happens. I can't always just drop what I'm doing to go have a good cry. There have been many times when I've been crying while making dinner or while I’m bathing one of the Littles. But that's okay. Sometimes we need to cry.

Sometimes we can't immediately reach out to someone to help us come out of the spiral. So, crying can help us. Cry can be cathartic, which allows us an emotional release and will help us regulate long enough to feel in control again. For me, at least, that's part of the process.

Recognizing it as postpartum depression

Usually at this point I can look at my thoughts and recognize that my PPD is talking and that because of it I'm feeling overwhelmed and out of control. This is usually where I can wrangle the reins of my brain back under control and get myself put back together enough to accomplish what tasks my day brings me.

Just know that even if you are able to recognize that you’re spiraling out of control, it doesn't necessarily mean that you'll be able to avoid the worst of it. Sometimes I can take control back quickly and other times I must go through the whole process despite knowing already that my brain is just being a pain in the ass. It's like watching a trainwreck on those days, you can see it happening, can’t stop it, and can't turn away from it.

Feeling the breakdown come on...

I had a moment this last weekend where I had started getting upset and I was standing in front of the mirror. I looked at myself and could see in my eyes that I was spiraling. Despite knowing that I was about to have trouble, I couldn't get myself calmed enough to stop it.

My husband happened to be home from work (he's a trucker) so I reached out to him in the moment. Before I knew it, I was a blubbering mess in bed complaining about how I don't contribute enough to the family, etc, etc.

Lean into support during PPD

The last couple of weeks had been very busy, I hadn't slept well because of the twins, and I wasn't able to have my normal morning routine. So my PPD decided to pick at the sore in my brain about how much I contribute to the family (I don't work full-time) and it was at this point that you could find me sobbing in bed about being a horrible drain on the family.

With my husband there, I was able to bring about the culmination of my breakdown a little faster than usual. Kind of like using a pimple patch to bring a head to a pimple on the face. So, I was able to get my cry out quickly and be reassured that I was not a drain on the family. I gathered myself back together enough to get through the rest of the day without any further issues. I was able to calm my emotional response to my PPD trigger and allow the rational response to take over.

You will always climb back up

If your PPD ever triggers you like it does me and you find your brain warring with itself, remember that no matter how you manage it that there is a bottom to the spiral. It might suck that we have to get there and climb our way back out, but at least at this point we can feel more in control of the situation.

Never feel like you must handle things alone though. You are not alone. If you can, reach out to a loved one (family or friend) who can listen to you babble out the mess your brain is in and have them reassure you that everything will be okay.

Asking for help with postpartum depression

Even if it's this article that you found during your dark moment, let me tell you something. I am here. I am here, dear reader, for you to know that you are not the only one who could be suffering right now. I am here to tell you that better days are coming even if you can't see them yet.