How Could I Have PPD When My Life Was So Great?

When I was much younger, even before I thought I wanted kids, I remember my mom telling me a story about her experience with postpartum depression (PPD). For the first 3 months of my older brother's life, her first, she was unable to bathe him.

It wasn't until I had my first son, that her story resurfaced. My oldest son was the first diaper I ever changed. I was the youngest of my family, I never babysat, and I wasn't around a ton of babies growing up. My first true experience with a baby was my own.

Complications in pregnancy and childbirth

I had a very easygoing pregnancy the first time around and was thankful the morning sickness gods didn't curse me. It wasn't until the end of my second trimester that I started having high blood pressure issues coupled with swelling and debilitating headaches.

At 39 weeks, I went to the hospital to be induced and had no complications during labor. My son was in the birth canal for a bit too long causing him to develop cephalohematomas, which means blood accumulated under his scalp and formed bruises.

Cephalohematomas with postpartum preeclampsia

We were overjoyed and exhausted, but REALLY eager to go home and show off our little baby. Two days later, we ended up back at the hospital because the cephalohematomas caused him to develop jaundice. His little liver was unable to break down the bilirubin in his blood, so he needed some help.

Pretty normal for babies, we later found out, but a very scary experience when it's your newborn. Two days after that, I ended up in the hospital with postpartum preeclampsia, causing me to spend the night away from my baby on day 4 of his life. Up until then, that was the worst thing I had ever experienced.

Thinking about my baby – not depression

The first week of my son's life was far from normal. Not including the trauma of giving birth, we were in and out of the hospital too many times. After a couple of weeks of normalcy, the words my mom told me many years back, came back to me.

I had a really tough first couple of weeks, but I didn’t have any issues bathing my son. Even though I was exhausted, and my body was an absolute wreck, I was convinced that because I was able to connect with my sweet baby boy, I wasn't depressed.

The warning signs of postpartum depression

As the weeks went on, I felt less like myself and more like a version of me that I didn't recognize. I accepted the idea that this was just the new me. Everyone talked about how hard becoming a mom was, so I was putting in my time and going through the motions.

To be honest, it wasn't until my second son was born and I was experiencing PPD symptoms again that I realized I did experience depression the first time. Maybe it never went away.

PPD looks different for everyone

One of the hardest things about PPD is the range of feelings and emotions we can all experience. No two experiences are the same. I was under the impression that because I had a healthy baby, breastfeeding was going well, and I was "recovering" physically, I should be thankful.

Even though I had a health scare, I didn't end up having a stroke (which can be caused by preeclampsia), I should be grateful. Even when I had my second child, and I had intrusive thoughts of what would happen if I wasn't here anymore. Even then, I felt guilty and selfish because how could I have PPD when my life was so great?

A mental breakdown

When my second baby was 6 months old, we moved across the country and my husband and I started new jobs in the span of a couple of weeks. It wasn't until I had a mental breakdown – in the fetal position – because of how much it was affecting my relationships, particularly with my husband and kids, that I decided to seek help.

If I had recognized the warning signs...

Looking back, here are a few things I wish I had done sooner:

Start therapy

I did grief counseling in high school but besides that, I didn’t have much experience. I was concerned about finances and starting therapy because I had heard it was all out of pocket. I found a great website called Grow Therapy where I was able to input my insurance information, read the available profiles of therapists and choose one who had experience with postpartum.

Limit my social media

There are so many wonderful pages on social media that truly can help guide people through motherhood. As much as I have learned, I realized it started to have a negative effect on me. Rather than help me, it often made me feel guilty and like a bad mom.

Found my something

So many times, we have been told we should find hobbies as moms (or primary caregivers) and we all just laugh because who has the time? After pondering this idea for a while, I realized I love to learn new things. Instead of spending mindless hours on social media after the kids go to sleep, I take some time for myself and learn. I recently learned to solve a Rubik's cube. Seems silly, but the satisfaction of finishing something, from beginning to end, as a mom, is inexplicable.

Practice gratitude in the small things

After even the worst days, I try to come up with 3 things (sometimes I can only come up with 1) that went well. These things aren’t meant to erase the bad or create a false sense of positivity, they are meant to remind us that there are still good things in our lives to help us get to the next day.