Postpartum Depression While Parenting

While I struggled through postpartum anxiety (PPA) and postpartum depression (PPD) with the birth of my daughter 4.5 years ago, I had all of the resources I needed in place and was able to get really good treatment, getting my symptoms managed and bringing life back into me.

I wasn't so lucky after child loss.

Depression, anxiety, and processing trauma

I recently wrote about delivering twins too early to survive. My living daughter was 2.5 at the time, and didn't really know or understand that I was pregnant.

The trauma I endured at the time of their birth changed me as a person, and while I went through the whole grief structure of emotions, I kept coming back to the fact that I was also dealing with PPA and PPD.

Postpartum depression hit hard

I had been treated for both anxiety and depression about a decade before having my daughter, and it was well controlled, but we all know how much hormones and the physical changes of having a baby can influence that.

For me, I was just at the beginning of my second trimester with the twins, and the postpartum depression hit hard. There were weeks where getting out of bed and getting dressed were challenges because I just wanted to hide under the covers forever.

My sense of loss was unbearable, and yet, I still needed to appear as "mommy" to my living daughter.

Struggling to be a person, let alone a parent

I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to eat, I was angry all the time, and my daughter was spending much more time with our nanny than she was with me. It was honestly all I could to to survive.

Looking back, I'll be honest, I didn't know that you could get PPA or PPD after early-term births, stillborns, or miscarriages. But here I was, a walking talking example of how 13 weeks of pregnancy abruptly ending in the middle of the night on my bathroom floor led to severe postpartum depression.

Finding a therapist who could help

During this time, I sought out a therapist specifically who specialized in trauma including child loss, and we have done so much work together over the last 2 years, but I still have a long way to go.

Time has a way of changing grief and depression. For our family, it mostly meant we had other devastating challenges that had to take front and center in our lives, and my depression had to sort of hold on for the ride.

Partial hospitalization program

It also meant, for me, that I needed more than weekly therapy could give me. This is when my therapist and I decided I needed to participate in a PHP, or a partial hospitalization program. I spent 7 hours a day, 5 days a week for 8 weeks talking through my trauma, navigating skills to use for coping, adjusting my medications, and accepting my new reality.

This program took me more away from my daughter than I wanted, but I was still home every night for bedtime and she understood that I had to be out of the house more than usual because I was "doing feelings work." (I will say it was not a bad way to introduce therapy to little kids)

Making space for yourself as a parent

If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to reach out to your primary care doctor for a therapy referral (if you don't already have a therapist on speed dial) and to enable yourself to have a safe space to explore the magnitude of feelings your experiencing and how they're impacting your parenting while also making space to continue honoring your loss(es).