Body Image and Our Negative Reflection Postpartum

Body positivity has been a very influential movement in the nation in the last decade. It has made a large impact on me because I've always had a poor mental image of my body.

Self image before postpartum depression

I was morbidly obese for the majority of my life. And even after having gastric surgery and losing a lot of weight, my mental image was still that of myself over 300 pounds.

It took many years after the surgery before my mental image caught up to my physical reflection. Toss postpartum depression into the mix after the body changes, we experience after a body and my mental reflection of myself was awful.

Body changes during pregnancy

During pregnancy and after, our bodies tend to change immensely. For me, I was never able to "bounce back" to my pre-baby body. Granted, I hadn't gained weight, but my body had definitely changed.

Postpartum was hard on me physically by that was nothing compared to how the mental image of myself changed. My postpartum depression will find any small thing that I dislike about myself and will attack myself about it. One of the common things it will trigger will be my mental reflection of myself and I will nit pick my body until I hate myself.

My postpartum depression amplifies everything

My body now sags and hangs in places that it didn't used to, especially since having the twins. Nothing is “lifted” anymore, and I just look kind of saggy and loose all over. On good days, I won't even really think about it and I've mostly come to terms with how my body changed.

But then there are the bad days, where my PPD will tell me that because of the way my belly hangs or the way my breasts sag that I'm unattractive. And it'll eat away at me.

Looking in the mirror

I’ll look at myself in the mirror and pinpoint the things that I wish I could change rather than see the beautiful body that created five wonderful children. All I'll see is the thicker thighs and love handles and think there’s no way my husband could find me attractive anymore. I'll see the loose, saggy skin and think that no one could possibly think I’m pretty.

The PPD beast will do everything in its power to make us feel alone and isolated. Picking at and overanalyzing my body is one of the many ways that it will attack me.

Postpartum depression reflected in the glass

Body image is a mental minefield for me and PPD will purposefully guide me toward the mines rather than away from them. Then suddenly, it's an explosion of downward spiraling thoughts about my body.

I'll fester in the thoughts and feelings that no one, especially my husband, would find my new body attractive. Then further down the rabbit hole of "I'm not good enough" and then I'm stuck having a very bad brain day.

Hurting our own feelings

PPD is very skilled at making us hurt our own feelings and making us suffer through the additional torment that we would otherwise not be struggling with.

Bless my poor husband, because when I get like this, I reach out to him for reassurance and the poor guy is stuck repeatedly telling me, "Yes, you're attractive, yes I still love you, no, you're not alone." Repeatedly until it finally sticks in my brain and I'm able to stop the downward spiral.

Pregnancy changes our bodies

I know that your body changed thanks to that wonderful bundle of joy you now have. I know that you might be struggling with some hard emotions when it comes to how you look now. I'm here to tell you that you are truly the loveliest person.

Those areas of our bodies that we see as lacking aren't as catastrophic as our brain is trying to make them. You carried a child or children in that wonderful body. You did something miraculous and created life within you. Tell your PPD to shut its pie hole and allow yourself to feel glory at the body changes you've had.

You're not alone

If the PPD beast has your spiraling downward because of what you think you see in the mirror, don't feel alone. You've got me and a community of many others here cheering you onward and upward.

Try reaching out to someone who loves you. Never feel bad for needing the reassurance that you're beautiful despite the way we may feel. The people that love us will always be willing to tell us how wonderful and beautiful we are.