From Unprotected Childhood to Overprotective Motherhood
Content Note: This article describes abuse. If you or a loved one are struggling, consider reading our mental health resources page.
As a child, I never felt safe. My parents were addicted to drugs and alcohol, and we lived in a dangerously unstable house. Even when we moved in with my maternal grandmother in a bid for a fresh start, things took a turn for the worse.
How my past sparked postpartum depression
There was no shelter from the bigoted insults some of my grandmother's live-in boyfriends threw at us, and she'd force us to live with them to save money on caregivers – even though she severely beat us. I suffered huge repercussions from these experiences.
I have forever carried them with me as they influenced how I saw the world and shaped my fears and anxieties, particularly leading up to becoming a mother.
The haunting fears of childhood trauma
The sheer joy of my pregnancy washed over me but was quickly replaced by an unbearable and derailing sense of dread. Horrific images and scenarios of my sexual trauma as a child surfaced, flooding me with apprehension. I would repeatedly, helplessly think, "What if I let him get hurt?" That would be the worst of the worst-case scenario.
How will I protect him? What if someone is mean to him? The worst-case scenario became a constant inner chatter. What if he gets hurt, and I could have stopped it? Not a day passed that I couldn't shake the awful feeling that I wasn't up for this.
The burden of overprotectiveness
I wanted to protect my son from anything that could hurt him and create a safe space so that he would never experience the fear I felt as a child. My greatest fear became that I might not be the type of mother who could be relied upon for protection, and I was eager to make up for the protection I did not receive as a child.
I observed everything around me: who the people were, where we were, and what was happening, with the protective and somewhat paranoid intensity of a contaminator. I gravitated towards organization, anchors, and rules for him and myself, into regulating routines and strict habits. I wanted him to feel safe and experience safety as a state of balance and order.
The mental toll and postpartum depression
The expectations I put on myself were incredible. The possible perfect mother for my son, never to feel again like me. So much mental work and high pressure – I was breaking apart!
Anxiety, fear, doubt – such a waste – a monster that choked me – depth of darkness. I fought, and it was winning. To hell with that stage of happiness – in with postpartum depression.
Breaking the cycle
It's not easy, but I commit to halting this tangle of trauma. I still worry I will be too anxious that my son will hate me as a teen for my overprotection, but I remind myself that this son is safer than I was and is being raised in security, love, and the care of people with whom he is bonded.
It is an ongoing battle to balance my protective instincts with my son's desire to explore the world. Therapy and support from loved ones have been a lifeline in helping me to navigate this path. I have learned to recognize when my anxiety is rising and to take measures to put in place, to make it less of a shadow on our lives.
Embracing the present
The past is still a part of me but doesn't define my present. I am doing my best to be the kind of mother I want to be while keeping my God-given fear under control so I can step away from the haunted house of my childhood.
Every day, in some small way, I take another step towards being free.
There is help and there is hope
I want to reach out to those other mothers with my story to let them know they're not alone, can make peace with their past struggles and fears, and find balance for themselves and their children.
Our kids deserve the best of us, and they will remember what we're willing to confront in our past to create a safer, happier future for them.