Parenting a Newborn with Depression

Postpartum depression can look different for each individual person, just as regular depression may present itself differently - some aspects or symptoms being more prevalent or severe in some individuals rather than others.

When I had my daughter, my struggles with postpartum depression were two-fold. One, the sadness and devastation that my daughter was no longer safe inside of me (she arrived nearly 5 weeks early), and the other was that I never wanted to be away from the baby in case something were to happen to her.

How I was feeling after child birth

Let's break this down a little. My daughter arrived more than a month before her due date, in a fairly quick manner. My water spontaneously broke, labor progressed on its own, I had a vaginal delivery, and she only had to spend a short while in the NICU.

Once we got home from the whirlwind trip to the hospital, less than a week had passed, but I felt like a whole new person. One whom I was really unsure of.

Sleepless nights with postpartum depression

The first few nights, I couldn't sleep even when I was beyond exhausted. I would just sit up and watch her chest rise and fall, and think about how much we wished for this miracle baby.

The trouble with this is that I even declined help from others beyond my husband and our doula because I wanted to feel like I could do everything necessary to take care of her.

Postpartum depression's many emotions

I remember one night laying on the couch with her on my chest, and my husband beside me watching TV. I turned to him crying and said I miss having her on the inside. When I was carrying her, she was safe, and for the first (and maybe only) time, I wasn't alone in my body, which had been such a thing that surprised me about pregnancy and was instantly gone overnight.

I didn’t know I was going to miss that feeling. And then I felt guilty for missing it because here I was with this perfect baby girl and everything was going fine.

Tips fo parenting a newborn with PPD

In the years since this chapter of my life, I look back and see how both of those sets of feelings were totally valid, but in those sleepless, hazy, everything-runs-together days, they felt bigger than I was and very hard to tame.

I want to share a few things that helped me get through parenting a newborn with PPD:

1. Trust someone. Whomever it is, trust them not just with the care of your baby, but with the care of your heart.
2. Lean on your village. They'll want to help. If you're too depressed to get off the couch and make dinner, they'll drop it off or send you a gift card for delivery. If you're too depressed to wash the dishes or do the laundry, they'll come over and do them for you. I didn't have much family in the area when my daughter was born, so my village was made of a few close friends.
3. Seek out a professional. Regular therapy sessions helped me to understand and process my PPD in a safe and nonjudgemental place, and you can even bring your newborn with you to sessions if you need, or have virtual sessions out of your house.
4. Bond with your baby whenever you can. Keep yourself safe so you can keep them safe too. Remember, you're the center of their universe. Even when you're feeling down on yourself, they still think you hang the sun and the moon in the sky.