Avoiding Other New Parents During Postpartum Depression

We've all been there. We’ve all seen the way that the pregnancy and postpartum period has been glorified. Look at this perfect baby you have! You're so lucky! They're so precious! How are you juggling it all? You don't even look that tired!

And sometimes, those things feel nice to hear, or helpful in the moment.

But if you're struggling with a postpartum depression (PPD), postpartum anxiety (PPA), or a generalized perinatal mood and/or anxiety disorder (PMAD), these words might be hard to hear because they might not feel true to you.

Pregnancy and newborns: social media vs. reality

I remember going through infertility, and all of the social media posts I saw about pregnancies, gender reveals, new babies being born and the infant stages I felt jealous and alone.

Now, nobody intended to hurt me by sharing their great news, but it stung in that private almost shameful way. So, I spent a lot of this time in my life avoiding events like baby showers. They just felt too hard to bear.

Pretending to be fine around other parents

I felt the same way about postpartum anxiety and depression. I looked at other new moms and they seemed filled with joy, always having an answer, always able to soothe their baby, and I felt like a hollow shell of myself. Yes, I loved my baby – to the end of the world.

But being with other new parents and friends while caring for my newborn and struggling with my mental health felt like it had to be done in the darkness of night, hidden by a cloak of "I'm fine" texts and "I'm sorry I can't meet up today, I have other plans" lies.

It's the postpartum depression talking

If any of this sounds familiar to you, I want you to know that first, you're not alone. And you're not alone with any of your postpartum depression symptoms.

You're absolutely allowed to set boundaries for with whom and how you spend your time – especially when you're also juggling caring for your new baby.

Setting boundaries with postpartum depression

Boundaries can look different in different situations, in different homes and with different families, and they might also change over time. But I'm here to tell you that it's OK to avoid your friends with kiddos, your friends who are pregnant or trying to conceive, or really, anyone else who doesn't feel emotionally safe and gentle towards you.

My recommendation is to have you or your partner type out a message on your phone that says something like:

"Thank you so much for including me in this event / offering this activity for us to do together / asking to come over (etc.) but right now I have to decline the invitation. I do really want to see you/do {blank} together, but now's not a great time. Getting used to parenthood is overwhelming and I'm trying to juggle a lot of things right now. I'll reach out when I'm ready and we can set something up. I hope you understand. I miss you!"

It's OK to say you're struggling

Now obviously, this is a message that would be tailored depending on who it's being sent to or what you're turning away from.

But it contains honesty, a brief insight into what you're going through without being too specific, it considers their feelings, and it ends with an action item, leaving the ball in your court so to say on getting together when the timing is right.